Being Myself

I loved being on vacation; even though, technically I still am for several more weeks. I mean, it was wonderful being on vacation away from home, away from comfort and routine. I had some challenges, and maybe one day soon I will write about them. I have thought deeply about them, and thought deeply about myself, my life and how I am living it. I've given much thought to where I want to be, to go, what to do next which goal to work for. I know change is in the air. It is inevitable for me, and I recognize that. For now, though, what I have is right here, right now. I am back in the comfort of my own house after five weeks gone. It was five weeks of travel, of reflection, of thinking, experiencing. I wrote some. I put my 750 words on hold a few days, which upheld my streak - 125 days? It seems as if it should be longer because so much has happened since I began this practice back in early March. I am proud of the habit I have created, even if I was not able to get online each day; the logistics of travel, of the Internet, and so on. But I wrote, at least a little, each and every day. Writing is a saving grace for me and always has been. Over the past few years I had neglected my practice and needed encouragement to begin again. Writing has helped me get to now, to my vacation, to keeping up my habits. I feel refreshed, relaxed, deeply in tune with myself and with my life. I wanted balance, and I believe that I have achieved some. I didn't -don't- want to be all work or all leisure; to much of one thing is never good. Work is important; it helps me to live in the manner which I live, but too much of it makes one wonder why; what is it for? Why do I work to keep this house, this life, when there is no time to enjoy it? I would find myself on weekends or time off just sort of stuck with what to do with free time; what I want to do next, and then end up doing none of it; sort of frittering away that precious free time. Vacation changes that. It sort of levels the playing field a little. As I get back into my daily life, start work in a few weeks I know my idea of balance will change, and I am at peace with that. That is how we grow and learn, I believe. I think I had fallen into the trap of thinking I was not living my life, not really considering that I was. That the challenges we face in life are the very things that help up grow and learn. It just took time, a new perspective, a little reflection for me to realize that.

This morning I woke happy. Indescribably so, really. Just happy, happy to be here, to be in the now, to be just in my moments. I woke early. Over vacation I had fallen a little into the habit of sleeping later than I normally do. Waking each day in a hotel room, knowing my travel companion would sleep until the last possible moment made me a bit lazy about my own habits. I would rise - always still early, just not as early as today. I would shower, I would read, I would write if I was able. The Internet was so difficult for the most part, so sometimes I just wrote in my journal. I would make coffee (I indulged in a little $10 travel pot so I could have the joy of that with me). I enjoyed the silence, but I hated being in the dark lighting of a shaded motel room. Some rooms had a place where I could sit outside and enjoy the mornings, but many did not; I took advantage when I could. I would rather begin my day with real sunshine, and happy, positive thoughts.

Each day is such a beautiful treasure. It does not matter to me whether the sun actually shines, or if it is cloudy, hazy, or foggy. I open up the windows of the room I am in. I open up the windows of my heart and I allow that sunshine to shine in. I allow each day to be a gift, a treasure, a joy. I allow myself to see the beauty of the rain - it nourishes the ground, nature, the world. Some consider rainy days dreary, yes, but rainy days also create this beautiful backdrop to my vision. They blur the edges of the day so that what I see is so beautiful and wondrous, and I cannot help but smile. I love the fog as it rolls in - it is difficult to see far horizons, yet the quiet peace of a world shrouded with fog is somehow so exhilarating, and I know it is temporary. There is so much beauty to be seen in every day, in every moment. There are rainbows in rain, moss grows when light is dim and rain settles in; flowers bloom, dragonflies dance. It is all so incredible and each little thing has its place in each moment. Tiny seedling trees try to grown on the moss that grows on the trees that fell before the seeds. Everything in nature works together and tries to help each other in the quest for life; everything old nourishes something new. This is the world I live in, the world I love and cherish being a part of.

My mind is not blind to the sadness in the world. It is not shaded from the bad things, from the state our country is in. It is not blinded to the hatred that seems to be growing stronger. I am not oblivious to the terrible troubles we face as Americans, that I face on my job, that children are failing to thrive in our American schools. I know there is poverty, and people are starving, living homeless in the streets. The other day my heart nearly broke for a young man who was covered with a dirty canvas, too thin, dirty legs sticking out of too large shorts, sneakers on un-socked feet. He was asleep behind a 7-11. At first I thought, oh my God - he is dead, lying there alone, no one seeing him, no one caring, his mother not knowing where he was. And then he moved, after I watched him for a few moments. He rolled over, and my thoughts of calling 911, or even the police vanished. It was not without compassion I made that choice. It was giving him the time to sleep - he obviously needed it, whether it was because it was a quiet, out-of-the way place, because he was sleeping off a substance issue, or maybe he had just been walking all day and needed sleep. It was not my place to interfere. Maybe he needed help; I do not know. I knew if I called the police his life would begin a new shade of difficulty, and that was not my choice to make for him - he was his own person, and it was not for me to say what his next move should be. I am not oblivious to pain and suffering, to the plight of drug or drink addicted souls. I think that in our quest to do the right thing all the time, we often do what we think is best for someone, when really, our job is to do what is right for us. We cannot project our morality, our sense of duty or right or wrong on others. We interfere when we should not, and we turn blind eyes when maybe we shouldn't either. It was not my call or my place to help the young man I saw the other day. If he had come and asked me for money, food - assistance, then yes. It is my right or privilege to say yes or no. But it was not my place to interfere with his space, his time at that moment. He was a person on his own, where he was on his own accord or volition. He was hurting no one, he was off in a quiet place, and he was doing what his body needed doing. I will send prayers and angel wishes his way, and wish him Godspeed on his journey, wherever that may be.

So, no. I am not oblivious to the state of the world. But there is so little I can personally do. I can live life the best way I can for myself. I can live making a small difference in the lives of others; I can offer smiles, sunshine, a warm hug. I am not one to march for a cause, or to fight a battle. Anger and vitriol is not part of who I am, or who I choose to be. CR says that its good that people are angry and fighting and protesting. Maybe that will make a difference. You know. Maybe it will. I personally feel that maybe too many people are interfering in the lives and rights of others. In their quest to "do something", to make a difference, to change the world they try to make choices for others; to force upon someone what they should or should not do. CR himself does nothing but protest in anger - but only to himself or to me. No where or to no one that can really make a difference. Being angry can be put to good use, but being angry and continually complaining does no one any good, especially yourself.

Right now, my fight is my own. I am choosing to be who I am the best way I can be. It's my own personal goal right now. Maybe that quiet, peaceful Me can make a difference to someone else, and that will make a difference to someone else, and so on. Maybe paying it forward is what I am meant to do right now. It is what I feel compelled to do. I have to live my life in my own way, making my own decisions about where to go and what to do. My number one goal is to become a little bit more of Me - myself, making sure I am ok, and I am in charge of no one's life but my own.