Permission Slip

I’ve come to the conclusion that my shifting moods are because of the lack of structure in my life right now. Being on vacation and traveling are good; routines are not so important when you are visiting new places, seeing new sights, and experiencing new things. The newness of it all alleviates any sort of sameness, and the playing field is all level. But being home with a few weeks off is different. The routine of going to bed and rising the same time is not so important, and the days stretch out unplanned, yet so full of promise. I find though, that I think I need a bit more structure, so maybe I should work on that for the final few weeks of this vacation. I feel like I flounder. There is so much I want to do; be creative, read, write, clean some, and I dabble in all of it, but without a real goal. It leaves me with that off kilter sensation, and that is almost uncomfortable. But really - why do I need to make a routine for myself? Shouldn't I just be happy and at ease while home with no major plans or tasks to accomplish? Isn't that the point of vacation? To get away from the routines and order. To enjoy the non-structured days? I am so hard on myself; truly sometimes my own worst enemy!

I made salve this morning, read email, read a few emails for work. I slept poorly last night and felt groggy this morning; another reason why the routine of a stable bed time is important. I watched music videos until very late. I remember before cable, before Internet, before all those distractions. On nights I was unable to sleep I would “surf” with a transistor radio. I would search for a song I wanted to hear, play it and surf on to the next one. Eventually I would fall asleep, but far into the night.

That is what the music videos did last night. I was exhausted but could not sleep. In college, those quiet late nights were when I wrote a lot of poetry. There is something about being awake in the middle of the night. The night is like a blanket; the dark a quiet comfort. Peace, dim, cooler. There is a sense of aloneness, and yet it is a temporary feeling, too. But it ignites my powers of imagination, and it also ignites the power of my romantic mind. I don’t mean love/romance, but my romantic, poetic soul. Last night videos made me feel that feeling. Artists singing their souls out to poetic songs. Music, for me, is a lot about lyrics; I love the poetry of them; the feeling they invoke. That someone felt that way; felt strongly enough to write it down, to sing it. It is soul stirring. Today, however, I am paying the price for the late night, and my lack of routine. I do not want to fritter away my time off. I want to make use of it. I look around my house and there is so much I want to do – nothing pressing or necessary today, yet so much I want to take care of. New blinds here in my library. A meditation corner in my bedroom. Dusting, vacuuming, cleaning. Reading. All the books that surround me; some are read, some are waiting. My crafts, my painting. I want to DO and create.
I think I also want to consider the possibilities of where my career will go next. I made some decisions as I traveled, and I have not forgotten them. Decisions about leaving Florida, at least temporarily. Decisions about where this degree can take me, my job skills. I have much to offer, and I feel in a way that my skills are not being used to their full advantage in a school setting. I never dreamed of being in education. In fact I always railed against it and said no way; never. Never. Not a word I use anymore – not since Steve left. He will never leave me. I will never be in education. Words do have power to come back, don’t they? So now is the time to consider those other options, to seek them out, to explore and see just what is available and appealing. What next place do I want to be?

The reason for my unsettled mood the last few days are these things I have on the edges of my mind. Part of living in the now is not worrying about what might happen or how it will all shake out. And yet part of living life is making plans, even if you don’t know the outcome. We have to plan for our futures, and yet we cannot get too wrapped up in those plans, either. We can plan for the future, and we must, in some way, because when we are older we will find ourselves in situations that may be hard; financially, physically, mentally. But if we spend too much time worrying and planning we lose out on the moments we are meant to live in. A slippery slope; a delicate balance; a tightrope to walk.

Here is the truth and what I need to remember. For 10 months of the year I work extremely hard. I have a tough job. It is not easy working in a school, and it is even less easy working in a school that is considered a tough, failing school. There are indescribable moments throughout my day, throughout my school year that would make my friends who work in corporations say “What? Really? Nope. Not me.” It is a hard job with little reward. Financially the pay is pretty low – especially with my degree of education, my age, and so on. So for two months in the summer I can leave that behind, mostly. I can’t and don’t just walk away for 8 weeks; I check email, go in a bit here and there over the summer. It is just the nature of my job and who I am. I am not obligated, or required, and yet a few things need to be done here and there. Fair enough. Basically, though, for two months I am responsibility free. For the first few days I was home, preparing to leave for 5 weeks. I have been home a few days now, preparing for the last few weeks of this time off. Quite honestly, it should be ok to not have a routine, to not have a major project or task pressing me to be done. And it is. It is the lack of routine that is unsettling me however. It is the nature of who I am. Instead of railing against it, worrying about what I SHOULD do, really, all I need to do is do what I want and when I want to do it. The busy time will come soon enough. Writing those words made me feel better. It reminded me, too, of writing myself a permission slip. I cannot remember if it was Liz Gilbert or Brene Brown who encourage readers to write themselves a permission slip for those things we feel we shouldn’t do – being lazy, not being productive; spending money, playing hooky – whatever it might be. So here is my permission slip to myself.

I, Kim Fields, give Kim Fields permission to enjoy the rest of her time off from work this summer. She is free to stay up late or go to bed early. She is free to read into the night, to write poetry, or even just listen to music videos. She has my permission to read, to write, to craft, to paint – or just to sit and exist for any length of time during the day as she chooses during the rest of her summer vacation. I believe it is a moral imperative that Kim Fields accomplishes these tasks all on her own time as she so chooses. She is granted permission to be guilt free in her pursuit of accomplishing her summer vacation. She has earned it.

There. That is done.