Climbing a rocky path

 I've been stewing in my own juices the last few weeks. I am not a believer in dwelling in a past I cannot change. Part of my philosophy in life is not spending too much time worrying about where I have been or what has happened. I believe I just need to move forward, because continually living backwards can solve nothing in the now. But I have been caught up in a trap of worrying about what every little thing might mean; looking back, moving forward, where to go, trying to not go blindly with each emotion or indecisive moment. I have been considering at what point the worry began, in order to see if these fears inside of me are really about something more than what they appear to be on the surface. Self-reflection, meditation, just plain thoughts; are these really helping me figure out why I feel so disjointed right now?

This is where the Power of Now gets a little dicey. Despite my firm belief in the philosophy as a whole, I sometimes feel the need to figure out where the path I was walking on veered from the course I intended; the one I thought I was on. I have to stop and consider my next step. It's like walking a rocky path along a cliff.

I cannot walk blindly. I have to take that first step, and that in itself is often where my hardest conflict lies. After that first step taken, I consider the next, and I proceed, stopping now and then to reconsider. Caution? Fear? Practicality? Quite honestly, rocky paths are a challenge for me. First, because of my very real fear of heights.

It has increased as I have aged, yet I live by the credo that I will NOT be one of those women afraid to do anything difficult. There is so much in life to fear, and if I allow fear to rule my life, I will sit in a corner afraid to leave the house. That is not going to happen to me. I will keep going and moving, experiencing winding mountain roads or rocky hills, despite nauseating fear.

Once I am on top of a mountain I can look out in awe and wonder, and I am so grateful for the adventure, despite the wobbling knees, the flutter in my stomach - those are temporary and the angst is so worth going through to experience euphoria and wonder. Rocky paths are also a physical challenge to me that they once were not. As a youth, I blithely took that path, took the stairs, not worrying or considering the state of my legs or my knees. Injury, over use, under-use can all create physical challenges never considered until recently. Being out of breath climbing into heights because I now live at or below sea level is an issue; but I believe huffing and puffing help to increase lung capacity, so I don't judge myself for that; my lungs are strong and healthy; they just are more in tune with soupier, heavier air which is a side-effect of living in Florida.

The issue for me is often the path itself; it climbs, descends, twists, turns into unknown places. Ultimately the top comes into view, but it is that unknown area in-between that can be cause for consideration. Sometimes there are roots I can use as stepping stones and one step becomes another effortlessly. Sometimes I have to look up to keep going, sometimes down at my feet. Now and then I have found myself taking a step or two back in order to find firmer footing. I don't just run blindly on and up; I do have to stop and consider my options now and then. So my self-evaluation, self-work, self-talk? All that has been about why I feel as I do and what to do about it; I have to know where I turned in order not to walk exactly that path again. I don't want to slide backward down the slope I just worked so hard to climb.

My heart is lonely. It is lonely for many things. I think loneliness, heartache, pain, tough situations - all those are hard things to feel, yet the heart and our minds need them in order to feel grateful for the better wonderful feels. I am lonely of my own accord. Loneliness is an odd emotion. It can be beneficial and healing, or it can become hard to live with. I have become more solitary over the last year. I can pinpoint part of the reason for that. I came back from last summer vacation feeling really physically good. My lungs were strong, my legs stronger. We drove across the country from New York, through Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Washington, and I flew home from Oregon. There was a lot of walking, a lot of climbing mountains, and it was a wonderful adventure. Sitting alone on a mountain top in quiet silence, listening to the wind, feeling the sun, watching eagles soar; very much worth the climb. Flying home was long, the flights, over-booked, crowded as is pretty much the norm now. Both flights home had me next to a window, and in one part my backpack did not even fit under the seat in front of me.

They were tight flights, both, and there was no room to stretch. So, my very short legs, not really needing too much room anyway, rebelled at the chilled air, the inactivity and the limited space causing my right hamstring to tighten.

It took me a week or so to limber it back up, and then I tripped at work, and it weakened further. A week or so after that, I was angry at the constant pain and I was trying to walk it off, to exercise it back to healthy, and it tore. I heard it rip and pop as it gave out and I went down. It was scary. I was on crutches for several weeks, and the effort of walking was excruciating. It took about 6 months to heal well, and in that time I sat. I isolated myself from my friends, from a lot of activity or noise. Which was in a way good; it set me farther along my metaphysical road; I read more about alternative, natural health and wellness. I learned methods to help both my mind and my body, and it made me happy, and both my mind and body began to feel really good. This summer's adventure to the northeast coast (upstate New York, the Adirondacks, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine) further strengthened my legs, and I feel physically better than I have in a few years. But over the course of the year, in the process of silence and healing I isolated myself from my friends. Time marches on; what is the phrase; time waits for no man? It hasn't affected the depth of my friendships, but it has made me realize how much I am alone; everyone has a life to lead, and my day to day life is very quiet because mostly everyone is busy with their own life. When I needed the alone, healing time, I had it, and I cherished it. But I find my heart in a different place this summer, and I am not quite sure where that is. Loneliness is part of it. The rest is what I am working on figuring out.


I have strayed so far from my original thoughts. I found myself thinking just now - now what was my original question or thought? It makes me smile at myself. Writing does that to me. It is my catharsis. My life rope. It makes my mind go in the direction it needs to go sometimes in order to come across answers that I did not know I needed. I was giving myself permission to look back across the way I came; to look and evaluate my thoughts and feelings about where I turned to cause the feelings to be stirring inside of me as they are. I sometimes feel conflicted because I do not want to dwell on what cannot be changed. I believe I do learn from where I have been. Self reflection and self evaluation help me determine the "whys" of my life. I wonder if this is true mindful thinking?

As I ask myself that question, I kind of answer it myself and I think, yes it must be. To be mindful means to be aware of who we are. We don't necessarily have to know where we are going, because our next step; God, fate, destiny -whatever you believe in, help to determine that. But it does help to look back from time to time; to remember an easier way to do (or not do) a task. That cannot help influence our lives. We can't change where we have been, but we can use more wisdom about where we are going. That is one of my personal goals - to be more wise, to be more mindful about my next step along my path of life.