Peace of Mind

Yesterday I was writing of destiny after high school graduation; where it is that the path life takes us, and where we think we are going, but really, where it is we actually land as we go into the future. Today, 38 years after graduation, I am considering life changes. I feel as if I have been on a fact seeking mission, looking for my next step in life. I know I want to leave Florida – temporarily for right now, permanently eventually, maybe? CR (Current Reality) talks of moving out west to Washington state. I love it out there immensely. It is a life I can see for myself. I would be secure, but at what cost? That is a decision. There is also the fact that I am just not sure that CR will actually ever move. He has been talking of it now for probably 10 years, yet he is making no move to make it there, to make his dreams come true. He is a big dreamer, and there is nothing wrong with that. But dreaming and ambition do not always go hand in hand, and I think ambition is what is lacking. Interestingly, I have been thinking of the men I have known in my life. My dad did not have ambition, but when he was young he had drive and determination. He did not ever sit idle and wait for life to come to him; he brought himself to life. He seems to have led a pretty contented life. He made bad choices and good, but he does not seem to have any regrets about where he is right now. My father-in-law was a big dreamer. He had so many unrealized dreams, and when he died he took them with him, along with his regrets about not getting what he wanted. He sat and he stewed about things that happened to him in the past, and how he never achieved what he really wanted to. He schemed, he planned, he drew plans on old coffee stained napkins, paper plates, receipts - whatever was in front of him. He knew what he wanted to accomplish, but he never had the drive to do it. FR (Former Reality) was originally content to be in his own life. He wanted things that money could buy, and he made it happen, slowly over time. But slow living and conflicting money dreams consumed him, to the point his wishes and ambitions became huge and took over his life, his reality, his personality. He continues to seek today, and he always will, I believe. And then there is CR. Who wants something other than the hand life gave him, but he does not know how to make it happen. He is a good person with simple dreams, but he is very strong-minded and extremely intelligent. He does not want a lot; he has a lot but is not content with what he has or where he is in life. He is a bit insecure in a lot of ways. Inside is a sweet little boy who wants to please, who wants to be loved and happy. Outside he shows bluster and bravado. His attitude is that he doesn't need anyone and the world is all wrong. If I had to guess, I would say that came about from being raised by a very strict, militant father and a weaker acquiescent mother. That is my Freud moment. So the question lies. Do I want that for the rest of my life? And without thinking I know the answer is a simple no. That is my dilemma. How long do I keep striding in the direction I am striding? I don’t feel he is holding me back. It just now popped into my head the thought that he has been keeping me on the path I am meant to lead without my even knowing it. I have not been strayed or swayed by excessive love or by taking a turn toward anywhere but where I am supposed to go. I was not meant to fall in love and be consumed again; I had that early in my life and it lasted a long time. I was lucky in love, but it took me off my planned path. Still, my destiny has been leading me to the here and now, and to what sort of decision I will make toward my next step. CR has been keeping me real and allowing me to be my self. That is really an amazing thing to realize. People have so often asked me why I stay with him, and I always say I am not sure, but I feel he is safe and he loves me; he just lets me be who I am. Honestly, who could ask for more?

This trip was meant to refresh, relax and recharge me. It is good to have these moments alone in the mornings in order to reflect on that. I am grateful. I have been drawn toward where it is I believe I will decide to be next. Maybe it will be in northern New York somewhere. Not Black Lake area, not Phoenix. But some place like Lake Placid, or one of those mountain towns. Maybe Plattsburg. Yes it is cold – that is the first thing that everyone always says when they speak of living in the north, or of me moving someplace outside of Florida. Yes it is, thank you for your input. I am drawn there, though. I need to research what sort of jobs there are, what sort of income is involved. I am planning, right now, to keep my house and to rent it out through an agency. It seems no fuss to me. Yes, there are fees and possible risks, but I am willing to do that in order to have it safely watched over. Eventually maybe I will sell it; it is my biggest financial asset. But for now, no. So that is one issue I feel confident in resolving. The right job will come along, and it will be the right thing for me. When the time comes the relationship issue and CR will also solve itself.

I think that is the goal I have been reaching for with this trip. Peace of mind, where I want to go, how to do it, what to do with my house. I feel somehow more calm now. I feel I can deal with the quirks of an odd travel partner. I feel like I can relax, my decision has been set a little more firmly in stone. I want to get away from Florida. I know that my person; me; is not happy there. I know that I have a good job, great friends, a beautiful home. But I am lonely and my heart is just not content. Being in the mountains, with cool air surrounding me, with nature, with family so much closer at hand – all of that has made my heart long for something different, something I think New York may be able to help with. It’s worth a try. And 38 years ago I was fresh faced, fresh minded, ready to take on the world, having no idea what was in store for me. There is not a whole lot I would change today. Having regrets is useless; there is no way to change the past. We can go forward and keep stepping into the future we are truly destined to live.