It's not sunshine and rainbows today

I was called a racist today. By a fourth-grade child. The sentiment was echoed by a few others in his class; all fourth-grade boys. These are the same children who, two weeks ago accused me of pushing them. They ignored my request to turn off the computer game they snuck into instead of the eBooks they were supposed to have been reading. One was reaching over his friend to touch the keyboard, after the class was directed to sign off and line up to go. I reached over him to click the mouse to turn off the program, and he accused me repeatedly and loudly of pushing him, as he pushed my arm away from the mouse. Today these same boys called me a racist for reading a book out loud to them called Freedom Summer by Deborah Wiles. This is a beautiful, sad, sweet story of two best friends; a white boy and a black boy. The setting is the south during the civil rights movement, and John Henry’s mom works for Joe’s mom as cook and housekeeper. The boys help with chores, play marbles, swim in the creek because John Henry is not allowed in the city pool. One day the law changes and a bitter act by town folk causes emotional pain to John Henry and his family.

Today’s lesson was about the book, and the main idea of the story, but it was also to teach the students about a new reading quiz program we are invoking at my school. The read-aloud was to show them how to take a quiz. The disruptions from these boys were underhanded and mean, and it affected the entire class. Of all the classes I have shared this story and reading program with this class learned the least, sadly. It was too chaotic and too hostile of an environment for anyone to learn. And sadly? Their teacher was in the room because I asked her to be there after the last incident. She was unable to control their anger and disruptions. What a terrible climate for the other students.

In my heart of hearts, I believe I am not racist. I work in a high poverty, high needs, failing school. I cannot be a racist and love the children as I do; I do not stay because I prefer one skin color over another. I could work in a school that is easier; where I could be more of a librarian. The thought of leaving my school makes me feel like crying, because I recognize that children, no matter the income of their parents, their skin color, their religion; all of them need love, stability, kindness; support, and patience. I am there putting the needs of the children before myself or my ego. Days like today, however, stretch my patience and my kindness. They make me question if I am doing any good; maybe someone else would be better suited for this job. Are we as a society truly doing any good to these children? So many DO want to learn, do not want to be disruptive or mean, but they are sadly getting lost in the squeaky wheel needing the grease. Their continual good nature, good deeds are not being rewarded or recognized, and this is sad. It hurts my heart for the children that do want to learn.

This school year is the hardest I have ever been through. Our school grade is an F. We have new administration, and everything that has ever been done or accomplished was dismantled and thrown out the window – new year, new administration, new regime. I have spoke of this before. I honestly cannot count the teachers who have left this year; I would have to give this serious thought. One kindergarten teacher worked one day and left. This is the same class who had their teacher leave the first week of school; they are currently on their 5th teacher or long-term sub. Kindergarten; so sad. We had a first-grade teacher leave; the position was filled after another teacher left, and this new teacher worked one day and quit. I believe 11 teachers have walked away from our school this year, in addition to many vacancies never filled. Each classroom has behavior issues, even those with veteran teachers and teachers who were former principles and district level personnel. The kids walk out of the room, curse, punch, hit, kick, bite, run, climb trees, scream obscenities, throw desks and chairs, topple tables, pull things off the wall, rip things up – including more library books than I can even keep track of. There are things I won’t even write about here because they are so disturbing, but children that are in first grade through fifth should not know how to say or do those things. Teachers are supposed to teach, but I cannot see how it is possible to teach or to learn in such an environment. It breaks my heart, quite honestly.

The school district talks of incentives to attract teachers to these types of schools. They talk of extra pay, of hiring the best. Great teachers have left our school this year. It is not about the money, it is about the level of support for behaviors that are out of control. Adults being treated as we are treated by children, and a lack of support from administration are wrong. Classroom teachers who have always been able to handle their own classrooms are being given students that have been terribly disruptive in other classrooms, and they are told not to call for help. This is wrong. Behaviors are being ignored that should never be ignored; they should be addressed, not pushed under the rug. The teacher’s evaluations are suffering because it is being said they need improvement on classroom management.

Many people of the district level volunteered to work in our school; it has worked to get some extra support; a new program for kids reading that the kids will mostly appreciate. New interactive technology for next year. Loaned extra laptops from another district division. These are great, and they are intended to help the kids learn. But the kids are going to continue to not excel because behavior management is being ignored, and it is affecting everyone from administrators, teachers, cafeteria staff, cleaning crews, support staff – teachers’ evaluations and student test scores. All of the technology and reading programs are not going to work until the behaviors are managed and students have a comfortable environment to learn from.

I don’t know any of the answers. I can see the problems, but I am not the person to solve them, and I would not know where to begin. I know that what is being done is not working. I know that days like today leave me exhausted and disheartened and totally inefficient. I don’t need anyone to reassure me that I am a great librarian. I am. I don’t even need to be told I am not a racist. I am not. I am, however, wanting someone to look this problem in the face and fix it. Who that is or what the solution looks like, I have no idea. I do know that sunshine and rainbows it is not.