Airport thoughts...

Edel told me to write today and while I am gone, so I am just now finding time. Sitting gate side at TIA waiting on a flight to Charlotte, then on to Portland for the next 11 days.
Today getting ready – packing, rushing around with doing last minute things I thought I needed to do I had little time to catch my thoughts. Actually the last few days have been that way. I’ve been good over the last months with finding quiet time; time to not really think, but to just sort of breathe and take stock of the moments in my life. It’s been a necessary part of my life, this quiet time. There’s been some chaos that I was not able to make sense of or control too much, and that can be so unsettling.

A very tired me, 12/26/18

All of that aside, quiet time now is good. Time to breathe and just get on with the day. Saturday night and Sunday were a little humbling for me. I took myself, Sunday morning, to the emergency room with chest pains. It scared me. We think we are infallible until we are not. It turned out well; my heart is fine, but I was diagnosed with GERD, and that was the culprit of my chest pains. It’s going to change my life, and it has already, in fact. I am not a terrible eater, but I have been neglectful over the past few weeks eating more processed food than normal and quick food – although NOT fast food. Too much coffee, too much tea, a small amount of chocolate (little actual food, interestingly enough) took a toll on my system and it rebelled. So now I will need to watch what I eat and drink, the timing of it and so on. It can’t help but be a good thing, but I am still a little nervous and watching every mouthful.

It’s made me aware of getting older; the necessity of it, and how I don’t want the alternative. But I also can’t help but think of those moments we squander in life; the things we do that fill up our days. Each moment leads up to the next and I do believe we are always where we are supposed to be, but the last few days have been a little off kilter; tilted. I will find my way back right again and it will be my new normal.

It’s Christmas Day. It’s actually a quiet time to fly right now. A flight just came in, and mine will be leaving soon. There are families, people travelling along, people of all shapes and sizes, all walks of life. It’s super interesting really.

On the plane, later, with still over 2 hours to go. Long flights are pretty fascinating. People watching in general is, truthfully. I have always had an interest in how we all behave when we are out of the zoo – out of our normal confined environments. When I flew to Italy I was so intrigued by a young mother and her daughter. Their interactions thoroughly captivated me. I am not sure I have always been a people watcher; I think there was a time when I was completely oblivious. There was a section of my life when it all passed me by; the Steve years for sure. His leaving broke my heart, but it also restarted my life. It started a passion and a zest I am not sure I would have found if he had not left. It’s not entirely true; I did have a love of life when I was part of a couple, but being just one when you are used to being part of two changes your outlook. I am finding myself more and more grateful for this renewed life I was given. God and the angels do know what they are doing, and really, my most dire days resulted in a new me; who can ask for more?

My thoughts are all over and I have been so bad at not recording them so tonight, again, a renewed opportunity to share them with myself, to explore my own brain and thoughts and help to clarify what I mean to say. Tonight my thoughts are definitely colored by flying and exposure to a different day; shaking up my own normal routine. Overall the experience today has been a positive one. I am glad I chose to fly today rather than yesterday or even tomorrow. Overall it seems that people really are filled with more goodwill and cheer toward everyone in general. I have heard so many Merry Christmas wishes and so much laughter. Even the children on this flight and the one before have been really well behaved and not loud. As an adult without children of my own, and as an educator who cares for the children of others all day long I do admit that when I see children boarding the plane and seated around me I tend to feel a bit….apprehensive; not quite the right word, but it is something like that. It’s been nice. I did not have to run for the plane as it seems I have had to do the last few times I have flown; again, that has been nice. It’s late by eastern standards; nearly 11 on a Tuesday evening, so many folks seems to be sleeping, yet there is a lot of back and forth activity, too. Up and down for the restroom, pacing the aisle, doing stretches and so on. This particular flight is 5 hours and 45 minutes; a pretty long stretch. The pilot said after we took off we were at a cruising altitude of 32,000 feet and we were travelling at around 450 miles per hour. Portland is a good distance from Charlotte. He estimated smooth sailing and we should reach our destination at around 10:11 pm, PST, or 1:11 am EST.

A very somber little guy got on the plane when we were first boarding. His name is Sebastian and he was wishing each and every person he passed a Merry Christmas. He said so very seriously, without a smile, and he was so earnest in his wishes. I heard his mom – grandmom? call him Sebastian, so when he got to me I wished him a Merry Christmas too, with his name in there. His eyes got wide a moment and so did his travel adult companion, and then she winked at me. There is another young guy in the seat ahead of me. His name is …Michael. Rufus Michael..something like that. He was very serious when he settled in, too, wanting to know where the screen was (mom must have told him some planes come equipped – this one does not). He was very much in the space of the man in the window seat, and he told his mom he wanted to eat his burger now. Mom explained he had to wait, and he did without a peep, and fell asleep for a good long time. The plane tonight is not jam-packed, as they often are. Flying is harder than it used to be with delays, tight connections, super full seats, everyone bringing luggage on to stowaway because of luggage fees. One reason I always use American is because my credit card allows for my first checked bag to be free. It gives me frequent flyer miles, gives me a pretty good boarding place, and best of all, I am precheck; I can skip the lines, leave on my shoes, not have to bag my liquids or take out my laptop. All pretty good.
My thoughts are clearing now, which is good. Time to stop typing though. The angle of the keyboard is a bit too low and is causing my fingers to fall asleep. More thoughts as my vacation continues.

December 26, 2018
Day one actually here. I arrived last night; late for me, but not really to here. I stayed awake til around midnight here but then I needed sleep. This morning is rainy and cold and I completely love it! I heard an eagle cry several times this morning as he searched for…something; dinner, I imagine, but I’d like to think he was calling from pure joy! I’ve heard birdsong in between the patters and drips of rain on the rooftop. I feel better settled now; there is always a period where we have to adjust to new surroundings (even if we have been in them before). It happens all the time, even if we are familiar with where we are. There is this unsettled, discombobulated feeling. Everything is just a little stiff, a little formal, a little off-kilter. It happens in the company of people, in our surroundings, places – even clothing can feel off or just not quite right when we have not worn it for a while. It is short lived, but an interesting phenomenon. So I am here in comfortable surroundings and happy to be where I am. It has already occurred to me that this is probably the last time this winter, these next days, that I will be slightly cold and damp, and that I will be sort of care and worry free. No schedule, no job to go to, no bills to pay, no cats to feed. The pieces that make up my everyday life are in the background, and I get to live this little pocket of freedom for a short time. It’s good, and it makes me really know I need to consider what my next steps will be, come June. For now, though, there is today, this here and this now.

December 27, 2018









Yesterday we spent outside, playing in the snow. We wandered toward Mt. St. Helens, but not quite as far. Most roads are closed in the higher elevations. Basically just one route lies open to get to a good viewing area – the Johnston Ridge/Coldwater Lake entrance. I believe we will go there today, just for a mountain fix. Mountains restore me in the most basic sense. There is something in the air which is pleasing to my soul. I don’t have to hike or gaze down from the utmost heights. I can feel the power of the very heart of the mountain just by being close by. Yesterday we were in low hills; mountainous, yes. The road snakes along hillsides, following a manmade lake created by damming a river. The lake was invisible to us as we stopped at various vantage points, but the sense that there was more underneath the white covering of clouds, mist, and snow was still there.

We first stopped by a small creek, obviously in the summer an ideal place to camp or picnic. The beauty in the winter is frigid but no less breathtaking than in the summer. The stream was still flowing, rapidly, and the water, surrounded by snow and green reflected that aqua, glacial blue in spots. A little further up we went on a logging road, just for a small distance and watched the view of the opposite peaks. The ground between was shrouded in white, and the evergreens were heavy with snow. Eating fresh snow is not something you should do when out hiking, but if you have a warm vehicle to climb back into, it is a fabulous treat. It completely lowers the inner body temperature, but mountain snow is so fresh and clean; sweet almost, and it refreshes so well. I felt bad for the trees laden down with their snowy boughs, so I made snowballs and threw them at the branches. Each hit made me feel like I had accomplished something and gave the tree just a little smile of relief.

Farther up we went toward Lava Canyon – this is the side of the mountain that released all of its snow and ice as it immediately melted upon eruption. It scoured the side of the mountain as it raced down, destroying trees and everything in its path. In the process, it scoured out a long forgotten, buried canyon that had been created from earlier an eruption. It’s a beautiful place in the summer, usually cool. Very serene, despite so many tourists. You can wander in and out of paths, of growing new trees. Last time I was here we carried lawn chairs and sat amongst the trees and just watched the mountain. It was November and warm enough, with little snow on top. I walked along the trails and just relished the peace and serenity. It was nice to feel safe and secure and so peaceful. This visit Lava Canyon itself is closed now, due to snow, but I know it waits for summer gracefully. We ended up stopping at a site where lava tubes can be observed. Ape Cave is just up the road, but it, too, is closed for winter. Ape Cave is apparently a huge cavernous place made entirely of lava tubes. It was not discovered until relatively late in modern times; I think a farmer stumbled into it with his tractor in the 1950s. I have never been, but will, one day. Yesterday we explored the tubes themselves. We actually, unknowingly, stumbled along what appeared to be paths through the snowy woods, topping the rim of some of the tubes until we discovered the boarded walkway we should have been on. Hopefully no flora or fauna was disturbed by our walk; it is winter and everything is pretty much asleep. The boardwalk path was so much easier, however, and there were signs showing us how the tubes were created. It is so fascinating! Eruptions ago there were trees standing in the forest where we stood. Sparks and rocks spewing from the mountain set the tree tops of these behemoth trees on fire, and flowing lava followed along the ground. As the trees burned, the lava flowed around the stumps and eventually cooled. Where the trees had once stood huge holes – molds of ancient trees – were formed. Today, eons later, they still stand. The forest has grown back, died down, grown again, and the holes remain. It is such a calm, serene place; it is hard to imagine that where we stood such chaos once reigned.

A friend of mine lost her sister just before Christmas last year. She was speaking of her loss and how her life feels. It reminded me of these lava tubes. That life was destroyed in them, yet they still stand, molded into the ground. They will never be again, but life around them has gone on and continued. Never the same, but perpetual. It’s such a truth about the circle of life.

We wandered up farther after that; as far as we could toward Lava Canyon. We ended up at a snow park – a place where people gather to do winter sports; cross country skiing, snowshoeing, and snowmobiling. That was the end of the road. We went back to the gate blocking the entrance to Hikers Bivouac and we parked there until after dark. I was so cold and wet from all the hiking and playing in the snow, but I was not ready to leave the beauty of it. So we watched the snow fall until after dark. From time to time trees would lose a bit of the snowy load they carried. Some fluttered down in small showers, some dropped with big plops on the truck. A rivulet of melt froze on the windshield; it was a small wonder to watch it slide down, then turn milky as it froze. Small little things in life that can cause smiles; these moments are everywhere if we just take some time to look for them.

4:57 pm

Snowmobile bridge near Lava Canyon