Life is a Banquet

I've heard mention in several stories I have been reading over the past few weeks of Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. It is interesting how many people have read this book, and who it has impacted, myself included. The purpose of Cameron's Morning Pages - 750 words, or three notebook pages each day, is to find out what it is your heart is telling you; sort of clearing away the clutter of lives being lived and our souls sort of gunking up with all that we do daily. My soul is pretty gunky right now, for sure. I keep facing my own mortality; 55 years old. It is almost a mantra. For as long as I can remember, I have said I want to live until I am 100, which means I still have 45 years to go, but now I am on the downward slope of that goal. Inside right now I feel like I must rush, I must hurry, my heart is beating fast and my fingers cannot type fast enough to keep up with what I need to do. It is my wish that 750 words, morning pages - pages of cathartic writing do help my find my way to accomplish my goals. I feel determined, and I feel hopeful, I just have to set my mind to it. Part of me cannot help but wonder about summer travel. Part of me so very much wants to go and experience and live - as Auntie Mame says, life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. That is me with travel. It is a banquet and I don't want to stop gorging. But I know when I get back it will be nearly time to go back to work and to begin it all again, and it makes me slightly less hungry; there is that small part of me that says stay home - the pace of life is slow and you can get so much accomplished. And then I say, no. Go. Don't be silly. Live, live, live!

I am extra tired this year. I don't know if it is the negative atmosphere that surrounds me on the job. I don't think I am physically ill; I am good with check ups and bloodwork, and plus, I don't feel unhealthy; just tired. Too tired sometimes. Today has been a harder, slower day than most. I pushed myself, although I did not want to. I made myself accomplish a lot of little things that needed doing, boxes being moved, rearranged, my desk packed, my personal things put away, although I don't think I really needed to do that. It will be nice to start the new year with my office freshly arranged. There is tomorrow, a half-day for the kids, a half comp day for me. Then there is Tuesday, 8 hours, and I am done for the summer. Today I have allowed myself to breathe that sigh of relief because today it hit me that I am very tired. I normally try to live each day as it is and not spend too much time wondering, worrying, or anticipating what tomorrow or next week will bring. Living in the Now.

Tomorrow afternoon is a new adventure for me. I am really looking forward to it. I have set my personal intentions. I want to release the negativity that is bogging me down. I want to release the tension of the year and begin my two months off with a breath of fresh air. I am going to a meditation retreat. It came my way via my friend Kathleen. She had paid for two guests, and she and Gayle decided it was not best for Gayle to go; they are at different places in their spiritual exploration. The money she paid was non-refundable. I feel a bit guilty - that is just me and my own personal guilt demon. She assures me not to feel that way, so I am working to tamp that down. The retreat will be group based, meditation, yoga class, personal work, personal writing/journaling. I believe it is a way for me to get that extra heavy weight off my shoulders and move forward to the next part of this year, summer. Summer vacation no less - two months with no work. Ah.

As much as I do want to focus on my writing and my self exploration journey, I really do want to travel, too. I am going to see my sisters, which pleases me, and especially pleases DeLaine. I have spent so little time or energy on either of my sisters lately. I hate living so far away and that we don't communicate more. Both of them mean so much to me, so I will be glad to spend time with them. After I visit Jennifer I am going to fly to Denver where John will meet me. We will wander through Colorado, Utah, Idaho and up into Washington. We will wander through Washington, then back down south on the Washington coast, through Oregon on the coast into California and it's coast. I have never been to Mendocino or that part of California, so that will be wonderful, I know. I want to see Yosemite if possible. Eventually I will fly back; from somewhere in California or even Las Vegas. Mostly what I want is to commune with nature and mountains. I will mostly have mornings to myself, and afternoons and evenings with John - he sleeps late and I don't. I hope to have the chance for self-discovery, writing, recording memories and thoughts. I want to continue this streak I am on with my writing habit and I really want to discover my own voice in writing. I think, too, I am going to start writing my 750 words daily and posting them to my blog. I don't have a huge audience, but I have to start somewhere.