I am enough

I woke early, as is my custom. It is just 8 now, but I have already showered, changed kitty litter, fed the hungry beasts, made the bed, washed off my car, watered a few plants; counted my blessings and gratitude’s, along with a prayer of thanks. Coffee is brewing. I am able to have the sliding glass door open because so far, the air is milder and nice as it wafts in from the outside.

My prayers and gratitude’s this morning are for God and the Angels and the blessings they continue to give to me. My life right now is not perfect. Far from it. I make less money now, despite a $2.30 raise. I am strapped; I have to count pennies, basically. My work situation is terrible, but I won’t color my morning or day with details just now. Life is far from perfect. Yet I am grateful for this day, this morning, and I am so grateful to be who I am. Life has been kind to me. I have had ups and downs. I have been down on the ground – literally – wishing the ground would open and swallow me because I did not know how to get up. But each time I did. I took a breath, which turned into another. As my mom told me so long ago – the body knows what to do. Just let it. Time passes, and things change and before long breathing is easier and the next step is in front of me. I am grateful to know this; to live it. I am grateful that God gave me skills and curiosity of how to help myself, and I am grateful that God and the Angels are with me always, and I know this and lean on them when I need to.

I had drinks last night with some co-workers, and I am grateful for that this morning, too. It was enlightening and eye opening. I learned some things about people that I did not know, and that particular camaraderie is really what is needed in our situation, because it is extremely toxic. We have been pitted against each other, not even realizing it at first, but last night shed some light for me, and it makes me feel different this morning. It does not change the exact situation, but it makes it feel just a slight bit more tolerable. All of us are in it together; not one of us is exempt from the terrible situation. We all have different degrees of toxicity being spewed at us, so the best part is knowing we are not alone, and it is not personal toward us. What a fabulous enlightenment. How, going forward, can that not help us grow?

I jokingly told everyone when the situation in August became quickly apparent, this would be my growth year. But it is turning out to be true, in ways I did not consider. The biggest thing is a re-discovered sense of worth. There have been times in my life when I have thought I am just not enough – the moment when we discovered I could not have children. When my husband left me without warning after that, or even telling me. The moment I was told I was losing my job at Corbett. This school year, meeting my new boss and being made to feel as if I was not enough; as if every effort over the last few years was completely wrong. But here is the thing about growth. You can learn from life and become better, or you can become bitter. And I am not going to allow any of this to make me bitter. I get infinitely sad to have no children to pass myself onto. I get so sad that my long marriage ended; despite of my pride in who I am, my heart misses him terribly at moments. I miss my Corbett family, and I miss being a real librarian to the kids. I currently question each step I take, each moment of my work day – what wrath will fall on me because of this choice? But I refuse to sink to the bottom and I refuse to believe I am not enough. I am. I can hold my head up high and I can learn what not to do, how not to lead people, how to stay kind and boost up others when they, too, are being beat down in a sea of negativity and lunacy. So it is a growth year, and I will be a better person at the end of it. For that, yes, I am grateful.