Everything changes; nothing stays the same. It is the one truth in life I believe with certainty. I've considered this all summer, with all my walks in nature; mountain hikes, bubbling streams, crashing ocean waves against seemingly timeless rocks. Those changes are so slow and so gradual, but time and weather; the elements wear down even the hardest of rocks. It's quite beautiful, and yet when I look at mountainsides or ocean shorelines I cannot help but try to imagine what once they looked like. Life is like that, too. Continually changing; wearing away, evolving, moving on and becoming something new.
I am so hard on myself. I am trying to figure out this new chapter in life, and I am a little bit topsy-turvy, not quite certain where my place is anymore. I feel on the outskirts of everything; my friends my work, living here in Florida; very much on the outskirts of my own family. I am working so hard, wanting to do everything the right way, and I am not even sure what that entails anymore, trying to adapt to a new reality. Right now my safe place is here in my house, in the quiet and peace, with the kitties. Yet even here I sometimes feel restless, uncertain, unsettled. My mind moves relentlessly, continually in many directions, I feel so tumultuous all the time, I can barely even settle on one thought or one action. It’s a whirlwind, for sure.
It’s been a long time since I have questioned where I belong; I am usually pretty good at adapting and working it out. Professionally, I am at the same place. And yet nothing is the same; I am an outsider looking in and feeling different energy. All the upheaval makes me feel completely off track. I wish I could pinpoint why I am so unsettled. None of it is about me; I am just a small part of a big picture, and truthfully at the end of the year I have a choice to move on or continue; it will not be a failure for me, regardless of how it plays out. That is putting the cart before the horse; it is just the beginning of the year, and there is every reason for hope. It occurred to me just now as I was typing, that truthfully, the answer my disheveled brain seeks lies within myself. Only I can control how I feel and how I act. What I do professionally does not change inherently who I am. It is in my nature to be dedicated to whatever I do in all matters. I give my best, and I give as much of myself as possible. That is not going to change, and I am no less than I ever have been. Things need to be different in order for success. I am making this bigger than it needs to be inside the confines of my own head. As a former boss used to tell me, that which we resist persists. It is time to stop resisting and just do what needs to be done in the most acquiescent way possible. It’s pretty much as simple as that.
So I ask myself, do my beliefs in the way things have been in the past liberate me? If my beliefs don’t allow me to feel free, then what is the point in holding on and resisting change? These words are a trigger for me. My following the path of least resistance has not liberated me to being open to a new future. I think my anxiety is not really a whole-hearted belief in an old way of doing things. It is more of an unknown uncertainty of what the new direction will be. I have had little say in the way things progressed over the years anyway, so why does it now matter? It is my own resistance to change that is causing me the stress and strife I feel.I think I need to be accepting of my fear; to face what it is that makes me scared and anxious, rather than just trying to help myself feel better. Maybe that is what I just did; by admitting that I am scared and anxious. I need to reassure myself that it will be okay, but not hide behind it. Maybe the continual thinking about it and talking about it is helping. I feel like I just earned the breakthrough of a little clarity. I’ve considered whether I am self-soothing or numbing myself from my fears. I am not running away from the truth, but I have been not quite making the connection that I need to just face my fear, acknowledge it and let myself feel it. I have been worried about not being enough. I have not ignored the monster in my closet; the fear of change, but I have been giving it far too much power in my life. It is alright to recognize it, but not to allow it to run my life. I am curious now; what is it my fear wants me to learn; what lesson is it trying to teach me, because there is a lesson here somewhere.
I read a lot of things – blogs, articles, books, and so on, to try to keep myself sane and healthy. One I read recently is that I should question whether or not something catastrophic or traumatic happened to me as a child that may have instilled a fear in me that something bad may happen again. What a connection. I remember coming home from school when I was young; 6th grade. I remember sitting on the front porch with my older sister waiting for our younger sister to get home from school. We were blowing bubbles and kicking the lattice on the front porch with our heels contemplating what it was our parents wanted to talk to us about. It was so normal and so casual, and yet it was such a life changing event; our parents were divorcing. The world shifted completely for me at that moment. I think since then I have had a fear of change. I have long recognized that I don’t react well to change. Once it is upon me I end up adjusting, but it is that transitional time that is so difficult for me. I have never quite been able to shake that shoe-dropping feeling. I imagine that is what is happening to me now; a very real change that feels as if there is nothing I can do; it is completely out of my control. It has happened a few times in my life; that day with my parents. The day Steve left. The day I found out I was not going to be invited back to Corbett Prep. And these huge changes now, professionally. I think the common thread is that I always do the very best I can – even back when I was 10 or 11 years old, and it feels as if my best is not always enough. I have been so unprepared for changes completely out of my control. The first event in my childhood of losing control and having no voice have hugely affected me. It is a childhood trauma that continues to distress me even today, despite my best efforts that it doesn’t.
So how is it that I soothe myself when I go to the place of fear, anxiety; panic? I have learned deep breathing techniques that do help with everyday stress, and they definitely help when I am helping another soothe their anxieties. This time my calming techniques have not entirely been helpful, but I continue to try. To cope with these changes I have been hard on myself, willing myself to be "normal" and to just be open and accepting, but it has not worked completely at every moment. Rather than pausing to stop, think, and contemplate, I have found myself more reactive than I like. However, as time passes, I am finding the more I think and process, the more accepting I feel, so it seems that time is the healer this time. Writing has helped, too; writing for myself only; my thoughts and feelings, frustrations, and fears; that has been a true catharsis for me. There is still a road ahead of me, but being open, recognizing all those feelings and reactions makes me feel a little more open to where the road is taking me. There is a reason for all of this; each step in life we take sets us on the path we are meant to be on. One day I will be able to look back and know what it was.
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