Stress and strife are inevitable. I learn that more and more as I listen to and read more self-help, self-guidance books. I started the habit of those books when Steve was gone a lot and I would spend hours in Barnes & Noble reading. I was restless and it was a time when fiction did not resonate with me; that happens from time to time. I think even then my angels were letting me know something was not right with my life, even if my heart and my brain would not agree there was. After Steve left, I switched to more books about surviving loss and coping with every single day, along with the heartache I was in. I used to see Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, but reading it escaped me. I know I saw it, especially when I became a bookseller. It came out in 1996, and Steve left in 2000 so it was still prominently on the shelves. It just never reached for me; I think that time in my life was bad but I needed other guidance. The book, now, is capturing my attention. Her words are down to earth and simply put; they resonate with me. Things fall apart; it is the human condition that nothing ever stays the same, and it makes sense that life and relationships don’t either. Her words make me know that I am not alone in any of the situations I have ever been in; there are good and bad times both. It is how we deal with the inevitably bad times; we can strike out and be angry, we can pass blame or responsibility. We also hide behind several masks to try and get through bad things.
Another lesson Pema teaches is that sometimes we just feel off and we don’t know why. We must persevere; that “off” feeling is perfectly normal too; it is our psyche, our world – the spirits – trying to let us know that trouble is there, even if our brain does not want to recognize it. My world has been off this summer. I could not pinpoint the strife, as I have written about so much already. For me, I know now, but did not want to recognize or give voice to it; it was fear, plain and simple. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of picking up again. We have to change in order to grow, and sometimes the change involves discomfort or sadness, even difficult challenges we do not want to face. Yet when we face them, accept these challenges – fear, vulnerability, we grow. We may not know the answer or the solution but we cannot get to the other side of the challenge without living through it; there is no other way or no other solution. Any side-stepping we do will really just avoid what we don’t want to face, and sooner or later it will be there waiting for us to deal with it.
I understand and appreciate that philosophy, that of side-stepping or avoidance. I think of my grandmother’s simple advice when I was young. I hated peas with a passion – I still do. But as a child you have to eat what is put in front of you. I remember sitting at the table for a long time after everyone was finished with peas on my plate. It was excruciating. And – for the record, I do not think my parents did me any harm by trying to enforce this rule. I believe in discipline and facing difficulty were taught as a result of it. Still, as a kid, it was tough. I remember my grandmother telling me simply "eat your peas first". Get it done, get it over, and then you can go on and enjoy the rest of your meal. I took it to heart. I don’t eat peas now – they still disgust me. But I live by that philosophy. Eat your peas first. Do the hard tasks first, saving the better ones for after. It has made me less of a procrastinator, and boy, does procrastination run in my family. It is a lesson I am glad I learned early on; not just for procrastination, but also a lesson in doing those tasks I dread first, before they can stew too long. It is a habit pretty much ingrained in me. I know, too, if I catch myself dragging my heals on something I need to just go ahead and do it; it is often the only solution. There is a song by O.A.R. called I Go Through. I love it. The lyrics describe how I feel: "But you go 'round and around it, you go over and under; I go through".It's a great song - here is a link to listen : I Go Through
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