December 29, 2014 ~“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let
people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve, but I’ve
learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never
get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I
won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.” ~Unknown
Thoughts to ponder today. Today is a day I
reserve for myself. I call it my “Selfish Kim Day”, and yet that is not really
the best way to honor myself, which is what I consider today. Until I can think
of a better name, that is still what it is. I don’t answer the phone, I don’t
make plans with anyone but myself. It is about me; for me. A day to do as I
please when it pleases me. My one day a year I can truly claim as my own for
just me.
Today marks the 30th anniversary of my marriage to Steve. Now, today is not about being lost in the past or searching for answers as to why it faded. I consider it a day of reflection, of remembering who I was and moving into who I can become. Life is a process; each day we learn and we grow – or we are supposed to. It is an honor in my life to remember that day – now 30 years ago. It was truly the best day of my life, and in spite of all the changes since then, it remains so. I knew myself thoroughly that day, and I was so sure and so confident that day. I said I would, and I meant it with all of my heart and soul. I chose today as my “selfish day” because it is a date easy for me to remember because it was a significant date in my life. Edel told me once to choose another date and make it my own, and I tried, but you know, it just was not the same. So today, December 29 remains my day. The last few years I have not had “my” day; two years ago I spent it with friends from Stockholm; last year with my brother and sister-in-law, so this year it feels nice to have my day again.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a
breeze is blowing. It’s a beautiful day in Florida, a beautiful day to be alive
and to be able to count my blessings and the joys in my life. My marriage was
certainly one of those blessings. I do not believe in regrets at all. I am so
glad that I met, fell in love with, and married Steve. He was a beautiful soul;
a beautiful addition in my life. We were together a long time, and we were
blessed with a happy marriage, even if it ended sadly. Of course I have moments
of “what-if” and sorrow that I lost something so valuable, and maybe in some
alternative universe I am still married, I could have had children, and might
now even have grandchildren. But, life happens, people change, and we grow together
or we don’t, and in this world here I am, me, alone with myself. Sadly, it took
a long time for me to get over the huge loss in my life. It is true that it is only
in the past few years that I have been able to know that life is good again,
and really is as it should be. I knew he was gone, I knew it ended, but my
heart was so slow to catch on. It’s not with regret that I say that, but with a
sigh. And yet, I really do believe that everything happens as it should. Losing
my marriage and myself for a long time was not easy, but I think of all that I
have gone through to get to where I am now, and I know it happens as it should.
I would not be the person I am today without my marriage or my life before and
after that point. I would not have finished college as I did, traveled as I
did, met the people I did, experienced the things I did without all the loss
and sadness, or even the joys that were in-between, and today who I am is
because of all of that. I know I am a kind, caring, beautiful person inside and
out, and I am grateful for the good, and for the bad and sad things we all think
we don’t need to experience, or can do without. Today, on my Selfish-Kim day, I
am so grateful to be who and where I am in my life.
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