Selfish Kim Day

December 29, 2014 ~“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve, but I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.” ~Unknown

Thoughts to ponder today. Today is a day I reserve for myself. I call it my “Selfish Kim Day”, and yet that is not really the best way to honor myself, which is what I consider today. Until I can think of a better name, that is still what it is. I don’t answer the phone, I don’t make plans with anyone but myself. It is about me; for me. A day to do as I please when it pleases me. My one day a year I can truly claim as my own for just me.

Today marks the 30^th anniversary of my marriage to Steve. Now, today is not about being lost in the past or searching for answers as to why it faded. I consider it a day of reflection, of remembering who I was and moving into who I can become. Life is a process; each day we learn and we grow – or we are supposed to. It is an honor in my life to remember that day – now 30 years ago. It was truly the best day of my life, and in spite of all the changes since then, it remains so. I knew myself thoroughly that day, and I was so sure and so confident that day. I said I would, and I meant it with all of my heart and soul. I chose today as my “selfish day” because it is a date easy for me to remember because it was a significant date in my life. Edel told me once to choose another date and make it my own, and I tried, but you know, it just was not the same. So today, December 29 remains my day. The last few years I have not had “my” day; two years ago I spent it with friends from Stockholm; last year with my brother and sister-in-law, so this year it feels nice to have my day again.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a breeze is blowing. It’s a beautiful day in Florida, a beautiful day to be alive and to be able to count my blessings and the joys in my life. My marriage was certainly one of those blessings. I do not believe in regrets at all. I am so glad that I met, fell in love with, and married Steve. He was a beautiful soul; a beautiful addition in my life. We were together a long time, and we were blessed with a happy marriage, even if it ended sadly. Of course I have moments of “what-if” and sorrow that I lost something so valuable, and maybe in some alternative universe I am still married, I could have had children, and might now even have grandchildren. But, life happens, people change, and we grow together or we don’t, and in this world here I am, me, alone with myself. Sadly, it took a long time for me to get over the huge loss in my life. It is true that it is only in the past few years that I have been able to know that life is good again, and really is as it should be. I knew he was gone, I knew it ended, but my heart was so slow to catch on. It’s not with regret that I say that, but with a sigh. And yet, I really do believe that everything happens as it should. Losing my marriage and myself for a long time was not easy, but I think of all that I have gone through to get to where I am now, and I know it happens as it should. I would not be the person I am today without my marriage or my life before and after that point. I would not have finished college as I did, traveled as I did, met the people I did, experienced the things I did without all the loss and sadness, or even the joys that were in-between, and today who I am is because of all of that. I know I am a kind, caring, beautiful person inside and out, and I am grateful for the good, and for the bad and sad things we all think we don’t need to experience, or can do without. Today, on my Selfish-Kim day, I am so grateful to be who and where I am in my life.

Fear

"Are you intimidated by anything" he asked softly...
"Of course I am," she called back.
"Like what?"
The future. A life derailed. Twice. Not understanding what I did wrong, or what I could have done different to make things turn out right.
But she didn't say any of that.

from The Glass Kitchen: a novel of sisters
by Linda Francis Lee

Yeats on Dreams

I have spread my dreams under your feet.

 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. ~W.B. Yeats

 

Pushing Back the Clouds

It’s been cloudy today; overcast, misty, gray. The air is heavy, almost oppressive. Cool air is on its way, but often here in Florida, this time of year, this is typical weather. I am pensive; thoughtful this morning, reflective and reminiscing on days gone by. I knew when I first got the message, that when I returned the call it would be bad news. I knew Maryann – Nanny, was sick; deathly so. I did not expect the news to be that John – Papa, had died suddenly. It seems that he had received news some time ago that he had liver cancer. He chose to keep it to himself, and he chose to focus on Maryann, his life, his love of 50 odd years. I never thought of him as self-sacrificing, but I guess I never had reason to think that way. Now Maryann lies on her own death bed, hospice coming in and making her as comfortable as possible, knowing her husband lost his life and that she will soon follow. There must be some comfort in that; such a long life lived together and neither having to live very long without the other.

When I first met them I was 19, and newly arrived in Florida, newly in love for the first time, full of new impressions and a new life wide open and gorgeous in front of me. The finer details of their lives elude me now, with the passage of time, but I knew their hearts were huge with the capacity to love. They lived just down the road – not even quite a mile, and yet we would often spend the night, crashed in this bed or that, sleeping off the massive party we had celebrated the night before – their only concern that we stay for our own safety. Often John was the one downstairs first, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, enjoying the peace of the early day, and me, always an early riser, relished those quiet moments of fulfilling conversations. They were more like friends than the parents of a friend. They laughed at our crazy antics, and they had more than a few themselves. We partied, hard, with them, and around them, and we stayed safe and sound. Those were crazy, chaotic days filled with a lot of alcohol, a lot of laughter and silliness, yet I remember them fondly as some of the most peaceful, carefree days of my life.

Maryann and John worked hard and their lives were not easy, but they never lost their spirit or determination to fill the world with their love. They wanted a lot of children, but God had other plans for them. Maryann had Ricky and John adopted him; together they fostered and adopted, and extended their family, picking up stray people left and right. None were strangers and all were considered and treated like family. I could not now even begin to untangle the webs of love and care they extended and cast over so many people. I know I am just one little soul in the arms of their care, and through them I came to know and appreciate so many people. 

I’ve known them a long time now – 33 years. They were such a large part of my early days here in Florida; until after my marriage, until after Steve drifted away from his friendship with Ricky, their son, for various irrelevant reasons. Similarly, Steve eventually pulled away from everything in his life, leaving it all behind with barely a backward glance. For the years leading up to Steve’s separation from Ricky’s life, we could stop down at their house at any time, be welcomed with open arms, a warm friendly hello, a great conversation. After Steve left I was in such an odd position. I was close with his sisters, his aunt, all of his friends prior to my arrival in his life. I made the choice to not contact them all, to not force them to take sides, to not stay in touch with so many of them. It was not until the last few years that I began to realize Steve did not just leave me and our life, but he left his entire past behind, including people. By that time, so much living had taken place and I had moved in such a different direction than the others, it was hard to step back in and pick up where we left off. It was hard to rekindle, but it is not hard to remember how vital those years and friendships were. 

When Ricky died seven years ago I nearly did not go to his funeral. I wanted to go, to express my condolences, to share memories with the entire extended family, but I was afraid I might be stepping on a place where Steve belonged, rather than me. His reaction to Ricky’s death was terrible for me to take. He was blasé, almost uncaring, unfeeling. Oh, that is sad, he said. My heart cracked even wider. So I went, he did not, and he never mentioned it again. In their mourning, Maryann and John were so kind and gracious to me, about Steve, about the missing years. And I have meant to go back and see them, yet somehow I never did. I have kept in touch with the girls; their granddaughters, but I have not physically been back to see them, and now it is too late. I can remember them with love and gratitude, but truly, the past is past.

Maryann and John. Hearts of gold, hardworking, hard living, rough around the edges by some standards, but if you ever spent any time with them, all that was obvious was their devotion to each other and to the lives of the children they had accumulated through the years, picking us all up like strays, giving each one a safe harbor, reigns to live and make choices, guidance if needed, along with chaotic, peaceful to nest. They lacked judgment over people, unless their loved ones were wronged.  Their house was messy and big and overflowing with pets and kids and craziness, yet they thrived. They had a chance to buy a new house, to buy the bait shop Maryann had worked at so long, and they did. They moved, lock, stock, barrel, and the new house became the same safe, messy chaotic, safe-haven the old one was. John continued to travel – he was a long distance truck driver, and Maryann continued to run the bait shop. A few years ago they sold the shop – it is gone now, but it was on the corner of a busy, developing area. Instead of enjoying those retirement years, their health began declining. Ricky died of a heart attack, and I know their lives took a terrible turn. Looking back and reflecting on life, it is amazing when we consider the people who have touched our lives, unintentionally, unplanned for, unexpected. And yet, oftentimes, those are the very people who we come to realize have made powerful impressions on our hearts.

This morning the clouds hung low in the sky. It’s a gray day. But a little while ago the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, and the day brightened. It occurred to me that John has his angel wings now, and maybe he is the one who helped push back the clouds. He was always, always, a ray of sunshine in my life. I always wanted what he and Maryann had; a loose, easy relationship, complicated by family and bills and craziness, but a true dedication and devotion to each other. I admired him for his ease of friendship, his bawdy humor and great big laugh. He was an amazing hugger, and incessant flirt, and a sweet, caring, kind, teddy-bear of a man, rough around the edges, but matter of fact and kind, deep down to the core. John Hunstman, thank you so much for gracing my life for all the years I have known you. You are a true blessing to everyone who ever had the pleasure of knowing you. You will be missed.

Devastation and Starting Over

December 1, 2014

I was devastated to discover that my old blog got deleted by BlogSpot. I've been a not-so-faithful blogger since November, 2008, so six years of my random thoughts on a variety of topics went by the wayside. Time to stop grieving and move forward. Fortunately, I was smart-sighted enough to first type my thoughts, mostly, in an ongoing Word document, so at least my words are preserved for my own sake.

I had to start from scratch with this blog - even the title of my old blog - Kim's Google Blog - would not allow me to continue with the old - so, I guess, out with the old and in with the new. On Facebook I always try to look for and post little moments I call "random smiles". It is so easy to get wrapped up in negativity and in looking for the bad things in life. I find that if I look for moments that are sweet or out of the ordinary - moments of joy and tiny little good things it makes my day seem better. The more you look for good, the easier it becomes to truly see it. So, this new blog is called "Random Smiles". Sometimes it will be about smiles, sometimes not; sometimes it will be something on my mind or just a way to share my thoughts on big or small things. I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts on life and living, and I look forward to hearing back YOUR thoughts on my words :)