I try to write at least a page daily - sometimes I manage the three page rule suggested by Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way. Sometimes it's just one page. I don't beat myself up over it. I've learned through that process of being too hard on myself that I just get stagnant and don't write or create anything for long stretches of time, and that serves no purpose. I've always known I was a Creative. When I was very young I asked Santa for a typewriter (and he brought me one) because I wanted to be a writer. I started writing (really bad) poetry when I was around 10. It comes and goes. I have reams and reams of it, but I also have blank holes of years where I've not written. It brings me joy, helps me purge my thoughts and helps clarify a next step or even just a next thought. In high school I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to move to Colorado and write poetry - that Rocky Mountain High life. But when it came down to it the general consensus was that was no way to live my life and I really needed to go to college because writing poetry in the mountains would not give me a life or pay my bills. I will not disavow college. It changed my life in ways I never dreamed of. But I also recognize now that that quashing of my dream also changed the trajectory of my life. Because it was instilled in me that I would never make a living as a writer, I never even tried - I've always been a pleaser. I would never blame my parents for their guidance. I will say I was unwilling to go away to school, but I did it because I am a pleaser, and it was scary to think of any alternative. And in the long run, I think that is the path I was meant to take - whatever happens in life is supposed to be exactly the right thing at each and every moment. (Hard medicine to swallow, especially in bad times, but I have to believe it is true).
This morning while I wrote - it ended up as three pages - Jimi-kitty was stretched out on my left arm, my left hand holding a cleansing selenite palm stone. Other favorite crystals were lined up in front of my - a moon quartz point, a snowflake obsidian crescent moon, peach moonstone, black and peach moonstone, lepidolite, dumortierite. All are about obtaining balance, peace, new beginnings - strength. I believe in the power of crystals and essential oils. I believe in the love and support of my angels, of God, Universe, Spirit, Mother Earth. (I do believe in the power of modern medicine, too; I believe it should all work together). There's a song from the movie Hair which came out when I was a kid. I loved that movie then; still do today. One of the songs rolls through my head a lot - I believe in God and God believes in me. Actually the lines are more like "I believe in God and I believe that God believes in Claude - that's me". Yes. That's me. Oddly, the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen came on my New Age Ambient Pandora radio just now. Such a beautiful song about faith - life, love, loss. Yes, bad happens. But though it all went wrong, thank God for it all to begin with. I understand.
Life can go wrong. But thank God for the good times. Patrick Swayze tells Jennifer Grey he'll never be sorry as he's leaving Kellerman's; forced out because he made the mistake of being with her. That line is like an arrow to the heart - I'll never be sorry. I've had great love; long, beautiful, all encompassing straight out I would-slay-tigers-for-you love. It's gone. I'll never be sorry. The joy it brought me. The Me it made of me. It's gone but it is still in my heart and soul and nothing can ever change that or take that from me. It molded me, both finding such beautiful love and losing it. It created my path, my life, my person. It helped me to become the Me I was meant to be; who I am now. Each day I miss that love, but at the same time I am so grateful for the loss, too. My body is aging, I ache all over sometimes. My career is filled with dis-ease; with incredible pressure from all angles. Every side; inside me, inside school, out-of-school, the district, the state, the country, parents, even non-parents. Everyone has an opinion about what should be done, how it should (or should not) be done. I can think of no other career with so many stakeholders trying to make and change rules about a job (well, perhaps political and government careers have more opinions, but I am not qualified to say).
My point is, through all of that, that physical and mental strain; it defines me and I do not want it to continue to do so; I do not want such negativity to have control over my life. Loving and losing made me a stronger, better person. Perhaps all this career upheaval will too. I believe that each breath of my life has brought me to here. The incredible blessing of love and loss. The difficulty of my life right now. It's where I am meant to be. The aches and pains of my frustratingly aging body are indicators that it's becoming time to make changes. I just want to live a happy, healthy, free existence as a Creator. I want to follow my heart and not the "you should's" of well intentioned (and maybe not so well-intentioned) others. So, I look to crystals and oils, prayers, meditations, natural healings to help me along the way. I read books, poetry, I paint, I create, I dream. I remember beautiful touching lines from movies, or listen to music which calms or soothes me. I love the fur and purr of my cats; cold, wet kitty nose kisses. I love to travel and explore, to observe sunshine through leaves, mosses, and branches of trees; I adore trees. I love the blue sky as much as I admire deep, rumbly angry skies. I love stepping outside barefoot, toes in damp cool grass and earth (not so much cool, damp earth this far south, though). I love this gift of my life, and I am so grateful for every moment, good and bad - and I am grateful for Leonard Cohen's words, too:
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come here... just to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand right here before the Lord of song
With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
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