Hallelujah

 I try to write at least a page daily - sometimes I manage the three page rule suggested by Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way. Sometimes it's just one page. I don't beat myself up over it. I've learned through that process of being too hard on myself that I just get stagnant and don't write or create anything for long stretches of time, and that serves no purpose. I've always known I was a Creative. When I was very young I asked Santa for a typewriter (and he brought me one) because I wanted to be a writer. I started writing (really bad) poetry when I was around 10. It comes and goes. I have reams and reams of it, but I also have blank holes of years where I've not written. It brings me joy, helps me purge my thoughts and helps clarify a next step or even just a next thought. In high school I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to move to Colorado and write poetry - that Rocky Mountain High life. But when it came down to it the general consensus was that was no way to live my life and I really needed to go to college because writing poetry in the mountains would not give me a life or pay my bills. I will not disavow college. It changed my life in ways I never dreamed of. But I also recognize now that that quashing of my dream also changed the trajectory of my life. Because it was instilled in me that I would never make a living as a writer, I never even tried - I've always been a pleaser. I would never blame my parents for their guidance. I will say I was unwilling to go away to school, but I did it because I am a pleaser, and it was scary to think of any alternative. And in the long run, I think that is the path I was meant to take - whatever happens in life is supposed to be exactly the right thing at each and every moment. (Hard medicine to swallow, especially in bad times, but I have to believe it is true). 

This morning while I wrote - it ended up as three pages - Jimi-kitty was stretched out on my left arm, my left hand holding a cleansing selenite palm stone. Other favorite crystals were lined up in front of my - a moon quartz point, a snowflake obsidian crescent moon, peach moonstone, black and peach moonstone, lepidolite, dumortierite. All are about obtaining balance, peace, new beginnings - strength. I believe in the power of crystals and essential oils. I believe in the love and support of my angels, of God, Universe, Spirit, Mother Earth. (I do believe in the power of modern medicine, too; I believe it should all work together). There's a song from the movie Hair which came out when I was a kid. I loved that movie then; still do today. One of the songs rolls through my head a lot - I believe in God and God believes in me. Actually the lines are more like "I believe in God and I believe that God believes in Claude - that's me". Yes. That's me. Oddly, the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen came on my New Age Ambient Pandora radio just now. Such a beautiful song about faith - life, love, loss. Yes, bad happens. But though it all went wrong, thank God for it all to begin with. I understand. 

Life can go wrong. But thank God for the good times. Patrick Swayze tells Jennifer Grey he'll never be sorry as he's leaving Kellerman's; forced out because he made the mistake of being with her. That line is like an arrow to the heart - I'll never be sorry. I've had great love; long, beautiful, all encompassing straight out I would-slay-tigers-for-you love. It's gone. I'll never be sorry. The joy it brought me. The Me it made of me. It's gone but it is still in my heart and soul and nothing can ever change that or take that from me. It molded me, both finding such beautiful love and losing it. It created my path, my life, my person. It helped me to become the Me I was meant to be; who I am now. Each day I miss that love, but at the same time I am so grateful for the loss, too. My body is aging, I ache all over sometimes. My career is filled with dis-ease; with incredible pressure from all angles. Every side; inside me, inside school, out-of-school, the district, the state, the country, parents, even non-parents. Everyone has an opinion about what should be done, how it should (or should not) be done. I can think of no other career with so many stakeholders trying to make and change rules about a job (well, perhaps political and government careers have more opinions, but I am not qualified to say). 

My point is, through all of that, that physical and mental strain; it defines me and I do not want it to continue to do so; I do not want such negativity to have control over my life. Loving and losing made me a stronger, better person. Perhaps all this career upheaval will too. I believe that each breath of my life has brought me to here. The incredible blessing of love and loss. The difficulty of my life right now. It's where I am meant to be. The aches and pains of my frustratingly aging body are indicators that it's becoming time to make changes. I just want to live a happy, healthy, free existence as a Creator. I want to follow my heart and not the "you should's" of well intentioned (and maybe not so well-intentioned) others. So, I look to crystals and oils, prayers, meditations, natural healings to help me along the way. I read books, poetry, I paint, I create, I dream. I remember beautiful touching lines from movies, or listen to music which calms or soothes me. I love the fur and purr of my cats; cold, wet kitty nose kisses. I love to travel and explore, to observe sunshine through leaves, mosses, and branches of trees; I adore trees. I love the blue sky as much as I admire deep, rumbly angry skies. I love stepping outside barefoot, toes in damp cool grass and earth (not so much cool, damp earth this far south, though). I love this gift of my life, and I am so grateful for every moment, good and bad - and I am grateful for Leonard Cohen's words, too:

"Now I've done my best, I know it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come here... just to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand right here before the Lord of song
With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

Every Vote Counts

 I stopped watching daily news a long time ago. I began to strongly dislike the bias and opinions I saw in increasing numbers. I remember thinking I don't need to hear anyone's opinion on what is happening - I just want facts, or I can research figure it own on my own. I still catch glimpses of news - I am not an escapist. I don't watch movies or television often; I just don't feel the need to be entertained in that manner. I read a lot (both fiction and non-fiction) and I watch documentaries if I feel the need for a bit of distraction or information. I try to not become swayed by general opinion or by the loudest voice in the room.

I was raised to believe that every vote counts, and I try to participate thoughtfully in every election. When I was in high school we were encouraged to register to vote so we could participate in the election process as soon as we turned 18. I remember talking to my parents - I was not sure if I should be a republican or a democrat, but I registered as they were at the time, and I have never felt the need to change it. I vote for who I believe is the best candidate, not for the party itself. Our country is so divided by parties and blanket statements of each party, and I choose not to participate in conversations on the topic. I bring it up now because it fits my mood about the current state of affairs - and about the upcoming election next Tuesday, August 23. 

I am an educator in Hillsborough County. We are being encouraged to vote yes on a sales tax increase which is ear-marked for education purposes. I would love higher wages - but I will not vote for this tax. I am also a taxpayer in the same county. I do not need higher taxes in order to be granted higher wages - that seems counter-intuitive to me. What I would like to see is county money - received from the county, state and federal government spent more wisely. I would like to know why education in Florida is ranked among the lowest in the country, and why teachers wages are in the same category. I would like to know and understand why our county spends so much money on this program and that program, and mandates that teachers learn, grow, teach more and more in a manner which is dictated; which is deemed the best, the most proven, cutting edge method. Just when one method is adopted and in place, another comes along to replace the old. The amount of wasted books, technology, and materials is appalling. There is little autonomy in Florida public schools these days. Schools are rigid and non-stop. There is little time for anything not academic, and that makes me sad. I remember Kindergarten and cutting, pasting, reading times, singing songs, listening to rhymes. There was play time, inside and out, and there was joy. But that is a topic for another time; I believe our education system has been politicized and is broken. I do not know the answer to fix it, but I do believe that those making the rules, pushing for tax increases, and more parental involvement in the choices for all children - not just their own; I believe this to be misguided and leading to further devalue of education. It, to me, speaks of violation of our First Amendments granted under our own United States Constitution: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

I normally do not share political posts, or even ever write them. Today I am haunted and compelled. Last night I read an article from WFLA (a Tampa News Station). The headline states "Florida is the place where woke goes to die". I thought I would be sick at the contents of the article. In it, Governor DeSantis said many things that are so strong; that children will not be indoctrined in Florida, and that ideology will not be tolerated. He blamed the teacher shortage on poor education in Florida Universities. He said that teachers are not being taught right or well how to be teachers, despite the state's efforts to raise teacher salaries; the problem is teachers may perform well in education classrooms, but that is not the real world. There is so much in the article that has stayed with me the last 24 hours. This is the governor of Florida; a man who is also a presidential hopeful for the election in 2024. 

To add to the fear and sickness inside of me; there is a bill in the Florida Department of Education (FDOE) now, called Bill 1467. In it is a call for parent work group members to develop online training for School Library Media. Why is this important? One of Governor DeSantis beliefs is putting more power in the parents for their children's education. As a trained, certified, degreed Librarian this is telling me that parents opinions are far more important than my actual knowledge and my training. Imagine telling a doctor that hey, your education doesn't count; lets get a random group of parents involved and they can order the right one-sized fits all medicine; that will solve the problem. Insert that same phrase in just about any professional walk of life; lets call to action and let parents decide for everybody - your education, training and experience have little meaning. In a nutshell, this bill is saying that these committee parents opinion is enough to correctly select reading materials based on their own opinions of right and wrong. There is a lot of darkness under this call to action. Each parent has every right to say I don't want my child to read this book or that book. But that same parent should never, ever have the right to decide that for all children in the state of Florida. The darkness is that we all want our First Amendment rights protected, and not only in the way we believe is the right way to speak, think, or act. Part of who we are as American's has always been a melting pot of ideas, and cultures and beliefs. This call to action is a covert action to exclude people who are considered undesirable because of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It is a devalue to education, to the state, to librarians - most especially, to the children.