Living in Fear

I have never been one to live my life in fear. I have been afraid of things, and not wanted to face things, but I have always forced myself to do the uncomfortable, the scary. As I write that, I wonder if I have always lived like that or if it came to me gradually? I am not certain. I remember quitting color guard in my senior year of high school , but I do not recall that that was from fear; I think that was just teen aged awkwardness, or some other factor. I did not want to go to college, but it was not out of fear; it was just not a path I wanted to take in life. I moved to Florida on my own, fear aside. I have taken so many various directions and paths in my life, and I do not believe, to the best of my knowledge, that fear has ever guided me.

A few years back we went on a trip, my friends and I, along with an assortment of parents and family members. We travelled to Colorado to scatter the ashes of our dear friend/sister/mom/daughter, Wanda. My friend died suddenly at just 37 years old. It was a blood clot from her leg, and it killed her instantly. The loss of her in our lives was huge. She lived a quiet life, devoted to her son and to us, as we were to her. She loved to go to the beach, to sit in the sand and comb through miniscule shells. She loved to travel, she loved our Friday night ceramics nights; she loved food, beer, and sunshine, and she always smiled. She was the quiet one, the sweet one, and the easiest of us to get along with. She really loved life. A year after her death, we scattered her ashes in The Garden of the Gods outside Colorado Springs where she was born, in a public place we could all access if we chose to go back. We were a bunch of people with a bunch of personalities and we all had different ideas about our trip. We mourned our friend/sister/mom/daughter, but we were all alive and breathing and we were all able bodied. I learned so much of myself on that trip. I learned that I did not want to grow older and be afraid of everything or anything. I climbed Seven Falls Water Falls, crying all the way back down, scooting on my bottom most of the way. I crossed Royal Gorge Bridge on foot, 1053 feet in the air. I was terrified, but I was determined to live my life. I would do it again, with no less fear, but also, no less determination. Since then I have climbed mountain paths all over America. I have stood on mountain tops, ridden with my eyes closed up and down steep winding mountain cliffs. I have not lost my fear, and my knees grow weak, my breathing shallow; my heart beats rapidly. But I am determined to not live afraid, and I am determined to life my life.

Society lives in fear these days. It breaks my heart. Before I leave my house each day I open my blinds and let the sunlight soak my house, inside and out. I believe in living in light, in the open, with fresh air coming in as it may. Today I had to cover the small windows in my library, my workspace; my classroom; where I spend my work life five days a week. Each tiny, small window had to be covered. Because our society lives in such fear. We have to protect the children at all costs, and I do understand, I really do. But I mourn the loss of the slices of sunshine I have had in my life day in and day out. I despise that there are evil and violent people out there who force others to take these precautions. It makes my heart hurt for these generations of children who will know nothing but fear; fear that violence may visit their school in the form of a crazed gunman, or worse. It makes my heart hurt that the generations that followed mine did not have the same range of freedom I grew up with; playing outside all day until the sun went down – playing outside with no fear that someone crazy might snatch them from their yard or sell them into child slavery or worse. That many still look to the sky at a plane seemingly off course; that we have to have armed police at schools, concerts, sporting events; everywhere we gather in masses. What sadness.

I cannot live my life in fear. It is not part of who I am. I will be myself. I will continue to open my blinds at home daily, and allow the sunshine in my heart to fill my library, even if I have to keep the windows covered. I cannot give in to the fear that those who are mentally ill, or societal outcasts seem to thrive on. I cannot and I will not live in fear. That is my choice in life.